New location at Wordpress

www.nzraw.co.nz

I started my blog at Google's Blogspot (or Blogger) as I always use Google for search, I have a Google g-mail account and I'm a fan of YouTube which is owned by Google (Google bought YouTube for $1.65 billion).

However, now that I've been on here a while and I've learnt a lot more about blogs and e-mail ... I'm actually quite disappointed with the results.

Blogger (or Blogspot ... which the hell is it?!) is veeeery easy to use and looks very polished but it has a very low amount of support.

Take statistics for example. Anyone who writes a blog wants to know if people are reading it. I did this in Google by adding a third-party page view counter, which you can see in the top right there. However, this counts a view each time I come to the site to post. It also doesn't show any other info like which posts are more popular and when people visited.

Because of this, I started to shop around. I had used Wordpress as an author as the Hot Pyjama Productions blog I used to contribute to is hosted on Wordpress. As it happens, Wordpress has a wealth of built-in tools for measuring statistics, a lot more customisable themes and layouts and a lot of extra nifty features like an option to respond to a comment via e-mail so you don't even have to head to the site to reply to viewer's comments.

So, with the click on a button, I imported by Blogspot/Blogger blog into Wordpress and I'm away!

You will find all my new posts on www.nzraw.co.nz and you can also find a range of New Zealand blogs on my other website.

Bye bye blogger.

News Reports Missing the Comedy

I love my local newspaper - The Press - in Christchurch. Their reports are well laid out and well detailed and they always manage to touch on a comedy moment.

They never actually elaborate on this moment but I swear they see the funny side themselves but are trying to refrain from taking the mick out of the situation.

Here's two great examples. Both within the last month.

Example one: the story of a local fugitive.

So as the story goes, this criminal escaped from the police and has been evading them for months now. The Press reported on a story where he was almost caught. In the small town of Darfield, a Doctor was heading home from work when he saw the fugitive in question, loading up stolen goods from a pharmacy into the back of a stolen ute. Let's hand over to the Doctor's own testimony:

"I saw the ute drive off so I gave chase. After a short while, I realised my Audi was no match for his ute so I called off the chase"

The Press then continues with the rest of the story, but hang on a minute! Hold the phone! The ute was no match for his Audi?? Now, I don't know about you guys but here's the image I have in my head;

ute:

Audi (and let's not forget, this is a Doctor's Audi):

Now do you think it's accurate that a ute stolen from a farm would outrun a Doctor's Audi? Or is it more likely that while saying this to the reporter, the Doctor had a smile on his face and a look that said "like I'm gonna chase a criminal who is known to have at least two shotguns on him"? And did the reporter know this and keep it in the article for comedic value? I like to think so.


Example two: a great way to spend your last $20

I actually read this today over my lunch time coffee. Two young American guys had been touring around New Zealand, doing the backpacker thing. They had picked up a hitch-hiker - a New Zealander called "Rusty" (alarm bells should have been ringing).

They actually tented with this guy for 3 days before Rusty stole their car, filled with most of their gear, leaving the two Americans with a tent, a fishing rod and $20.

Now, crime sucks. And crime against tourists is even worse. This hitch-hiker has taken advantage of these two young fellas' trust and given New Zealand a bad name.

But in the article, the journalist touches ever so briefly on the one simple fact:

"While deciding what to do, the two young Americans spent half their remaining money on a $10 hacky-sack ball"

Ok now, come oooon! That's your story right there! Forget "Hitch-Hiker Steals From American Tourists", the headline should be "American Theft Victims Spend Half Their Survival Money On Small Soft Ball"!

Genius.

I am a lab rat. (Part 2)

In follow up to my last (rushed) post, let me explain a little more about what I've been up to.

Recently I've been following the swine-flu (or H1N1) pandemic with interest. So when my wife told me about a current vaccine trial taing place in New Zealand, I was quite keen to learn more.

After phoning the clinic, we were sent some information on the trial. The following is some information from the consent form:

CSL’s flu vaccine, like many other flu vaccines, contains killed (inactivated) flu viruses. These killed viruses cannot give you the flu. They produce flu antibodies in the blood. Antibodies are a component in the blood which can destroy flu viruses when they infect you. Vaccination with a flu vaccine is believed to protect you
against infection with the types of flu virus that are in the vaccine.

5,000 of the 7500 participants will receive flu vaccine, and the remaining 2,500 will receive a harmless but inactive injection (placebo).

So, in the interest of advancing medical science and perhaps one day helping to save innocent lives (and with the lure of $300 cash AND a free thermometer for taking part in the study), I and my wife signed the consent forms and headed off to the clinic.

Why is it that waiting rooms around the world are full of old copies of Women's Weekly, plus the token classic men's magazine that ALL men must surely love - Yacht Magazine? Luckily there was a TV on the wall so I sat back to watch the gun-man crisis in Napier that reminded me of about 10,000 American movies.

After a few minutes, a Doctor entered the room and sat with us to fill out some forms. During the whole questioning process, I was distracted by the fact that this Doctor was wearing a large metal ring with a skull motif that reminded me of Judge Dredd. I tried to focus on the forms but all the while I was picturing the Doctor in a helmet and red sunglasses, fighting crime and leaving imprints of skulls on the faces of the villains that he punches.

My focus snapped back into the room when I realised that my wife was about to take a pregnancy test (pregnant people can not take part in the study). Waiting for her to return from peeing on a stick was probably the most nerve-racking part of the night. She came back with a smile on her face that settled my fears. We plan on getting a dog before getting a sprog so if she was pregnant, we would have to run out to the nearest pet store to avoid interrupting our plans.

So anyway, we were both given a quick health check up (my BPM rate of 72 beat my wife's 88 - it's all about who wins) followed quickly by the injections and a nice crisp $100 cash each. Apparently we get the cash in installments each time we visit the clinic. I handed the money to my wife to look after while I greedily awaited the free thermometer which we would use to monitor our temperatures over the next week.

I can't tell you how awesome the thermometer is. You put it under your tongue (or up your rectum but given the choice, I'd rather stick to the mouth region to avoid any mix up later on) and then wait for a bit. If you fail, you get an "E" message and have to do it again. If you win, you hear a chirpy beeping sound and you're rewarded with your temperature. It is my plan, over the next week or so, to drink really hot fluids and see how high I can get my thermometer to go. If it's over 37 degrees C, you're classed as "having a temperature". I'm gonna aim for the "having a melt-down" class which I'm assuming is about 60 degrees.

In 21 days, we are to report back to the clinic and give them our results. It's almost un-nerving sitting amongst all the nurses there as, to get some good results, they're quite keen for you to catch the flu. You can almost see their eyes light up at the slightest cough.

So for now, we're off to spend our collective $200 bucks. Is our health worth risking for our total $600 by the end of the study? Well, no I guess not. But ... is our health worth risking for $600 and a free thermometer? Now that's a different question.

P.S. The police dog involved in the whole Napier shooting thing is safe and well.

I am a lab rat. (Part 1)

Ok so I'm taking part in a flu vaccine study. In a rush to get to the clinic now but I'll post more later.

This could be interesting.

P.S. If I return as a mutant/pig/asian bird, you will hopefully know by the quality of my writing. Please call someone. (NB: you may not actually notice any difference)

The Day KFC & Oprah Exposed the Dark Side of Humanity

Oh no. Oh Oprah. What have you done?

If you haven't already heard, the Oprah Winfrey show announced that it was teaming up with KFC to give away coupons for free "2 pieces of Kentucky Grilled Chicken™ (manager’s choice) and two individual sides and a biscuit".

The resulting traffic to the website to download the coupon caused the site to crash. Those who got the coupon then found it a struggle to find an outlet that accepted the voucher, or they faced tremendous queues at outlets that were accepting it.

The New Your Restaurants site reported:

"Earlier today, a tipster reported to Gothamist from the KFC on 42nd between Madison and Park:

Despite the very visible grilled chicken behind the register, the manager told everyone with coupons to leave and that the promotion was over for the day. The people there are currently holding a sit-in and refusing to leave until they get their free chicken ... or the cops are called. Racial epithets were being spewed, people who actually wanted to pay for chicken were facing a potential beatdown.

Gawker has another troublesome report of people running around like chickens with their heads cut off: “A small RIOT started going on outside the store with people screaming at the manager.” And per a Midtown Lunch tipster, lunch came with a side of ugly at KFC’s 50th and Seventh Avenue location: “There was about 50 ppl crammed into a very tiny space before me ... "

Do people not see anything wrong with hundreds of people cramming into KFC and staging sit-in protests and spewing racial slurs in order to get their greasey mits on a few dollars worth of even greasier chicken? Are people reading this and thinking "Man ... I'd be demanding me some free chicken all right. Let me start making a protest banner" or are there actually some real people in the world thinking "Holy crap, this is disgusting. Do people have no shame?!".

Some people will think, "Hey, what an awesome idea for all the homeless and the poor" ... wake up! Feeding the homeless and the poor KFC is not a solution to the problem. There are better places Oprah can spend her money (and more reputable companies she can align herself with).

The aftermath media attention meant the KFC became the most mentioned topic on Twitter, narrowly followed by American Idol. Double shame!

Some example comments from people waiting for the coupon site to work:

I’ve been trying to access the kfc coupon for over an hour now.. i don't know what's wrong. and I really needed that coupon to feed my 2year old

What?! Are you sick?! You're feeding KFC to your 2 year old?!

Requires Windows or Mac. So to get a free dinner I have to spend $300. Linux users are people too, but I guess we can afford dinner with the money we saved on our OS.

Oh get over it! It's for two pieces of mass produced chicken. Life. will. go. on.

Well I tried to use this coupon at 6 different KFC's yesterday, and not one of them would take it. Said they were not taking them. What is up with that?

You wasted hours of your life travelling to 6 different KFC's??

I'M MELTING CAN'T GET THE COUPONS PLEASE IS THERE ANOTHER WAY OF GETTING THEM ???? HUNGRY FOR THE CHIICKEN

Oh ffs, will someone please give this guy a biscuit before he explodes.

It is 1:30 p.m. pacific time and I cannot even get on the site to download a coupon. I bet that I never will.

Tragic.

i was just woundering i watch your show every day and us canadians never get anything free fom you. why is that your fan Amanda

Yeah, how dare you not give us free stuff

the coupon link is not working for me. it keeps saying it cannot display the web page. please help, i have to feed my children!

If you need to feed your children that badly, there are far more appropriate facilities in place

THIS IS REALLY FRUSTRATING!!

I hope you were referring to the other comments

FREE Factory farmed chicken!! WOW..FREE KFC.. thats great.. For who? Support organic. It's healthier for the chickens and the people who eat them.

Oh my God!! A real human! What are you doing on this coupon site?!

It would be nice if you had something for us veg folk who don't eat meat. Anyway, KFC is still being investigated for it's horrific cruelty to chickens.

Another one!

I think I will be up all night trying to print the coupon...am not getting through and started thirty minutes ago.

Ah that's more like it. Back to the zombies that will stay up all night trying to download a coupon for some chicken ... instead of paying $9 for a meal or, better yet, making a sandwich.

Hate of the Day - The Pavement Toll

Cashel Street, in Christchurch, hosts the city's central pedestrian area. At the moment, a team of road workers are laying down tram-tracks for the revised tram route.

This has helped to heighten a personal hate of mine.

I hate it when people walk out of shop doorways really quickly, right across the general direction of foot-traffic. Usually, they have their heads down, looking in their bag at their new purchase or checking their receipt, and they plough out of the store with no thought for the people walking along the pavement. Ka-BLAM! Pedestrian pile-up!

This has been more obvious recently as the tram works have limited the pedestrian area to a narrow walkway down each side of the street.

Forget the road-toll. I bet there have been heaps of pedestrian casualties. Let's have a minute's silence for all those awkward invasions of personal space.

How to be an Arrogant Driver

So you want to be an arrogant driver in NZ? Follow my simple guide:

1. You have right of way at all times.

2. Blending like a zip is for cooks and seamstresses. The guy next to you will try to take the lead as your lanes merge. Do not back down or the world will know you have no cajones and you will be shamed. If necessary, mount the kerb.

3. Traffic lights in New Zealand are unique. If you are stopped at a red light and you have somewhere you need to be, keep inching your car forward. The traffic lights will respond to this and change to green sooner. If your traffic light is at a pedestrian crossing and the pedestrians are looking at your forward inching with concern, ignore them. See rule 1. If you see an amber light, don't worry about it. Must be some kind of glitch.

4. New Zealand has a unique turning system. Melbourne started a "give way to those from the right" system due to their own tramways. Not to be out done by our aussie cousins, NZ adopted this system. The system was dropped by Australia due to it not working. This was because they forgot that rule 1 applies in all situations. New Zealand kept the system along with its multiple situations when it's ok to ignore the rule. Don't worry, you don't have to learn these.

5. Be aware that you are sharing the road with 15 year old delinquents driving their parent's 3L V8 Japanese race car. These delinquents are a threat to your status of "Road Owner". To overcome this, face all drag racing challenges head on. If you back down from a competition with a 15 year old, it will be clear to your adult peers that this is because you have no cajones.

Oh P.S. they will have no insurance. Yes this is legal and best solved by suggesting any accidents you caused are settled out of court by your mate's brother who owns a wreckers.

6. Go around round-abouts in a clockwise fashion. See how you're turning right as you circle the round-about? This is why you should have your right indicator on. Approaching the round-about, indicate right. When leaving the round-about, also indicate right. Just indicate right no matter which way you're going. Not indicating at all is an acceptable alternative method.

7. Nothing exists behind you. Mirrors are for chumps. Feel free to remove these from your vehicle.

8. As per rule 7, cyclists only exist when they are in front of you in clear view. They love it when you pass so close you can just about clip them with your wing mirror. That's how they get their kicks. If you manage to brush against clothing without knocking them over, congratulations, you have won the game.

9. Lower your vehicle to the ground by removing the springs. It's proven that having no suspension improves the performance on your car. Once this is done, head to a road along a popular beachfront such as Sumner, in Christchurch. This is the best place to show everyone how awesome you look in your low car. Don't worry about the speed bumps and people laughing when you lose your rear bumper. They are laughing with you.

10. Do not thank anyone. Thanking people, through waving or flashing your lights, will only confuse them. Gratitude is also a sign of weakness.

Technorati Profile

The Most Impressive Business Card

This guy is brilliant. What scares me is ... I think he's being serious.

Yougle (Google Profiles)

Google has recently created a "Google Me" page. This is an online profile (another one!) that is specifically linked to Google search results.

Whenever I get an inquiry from a prospect I haven't heard of, or I want to find info on an industry colleague or a competitor, I always Google their name. If they have a unique name, you're bound to track them down.

However, it's always been difficult if you have a common name like mine, Mark Lincoln, which is also a model name of an American car (see pic).

So today I set up a Google profile. These profiles then appear at the bottom of the first page of results for Google name searches in order to help people find you. Really it's just another excuse to build your online presence, but it does help correlate all your personal online sites into one easy to find profile. This profile links directly with my blogspot (which you happen to be reading), my YouTube (set up with my Google account), my Gmail account (Google mail) as well as others such as Twitter, Flickr etc.

Is Google taking over the world? Probably. Vote for Google! (I can see it now. A Google world like in those sci-fi movies where one corporation runs the planet)

A Few Creative Men

Here's a great example of some top-notch video re-dubbing.


If you work in the graphic design industry, like I do, you'll really connect with quite a few moments in this video.

This vid was posted on YouTube by TysonFaller.